image vs reality
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Yuki's been an insomniac for a few days and he keeps thinking about how others think of him versus how he sees himself.


Disclaimer: Fruits Baskets isn't mine. ^^v  
  
image vs. reality  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
As I looked up to the ceiling above me, I sighed at the fact that I couldn't go to sleep. I didn't know why, but for the past few days, I've been lying awake thinking and thinking of past memories.  
  
Some should have been kept silent while the others made me ponder about how I've been living my life.   
  
But why now?  
  
My head turned towards the door and then I looked up to the ceiling again.   
  
I blinked and then my lips became thin.  
  
Yes, that's right. It was because of you.  
  
Yeah, you up there…  
  
Foolishly, I took my hand out of my warm blanket and reached out into the darkness that was supposed to represent Tohru. That reaching from here would do nothing, and yet it was comforting me all the same.  
  
"You're an ordinary girl," everyone keeps on saying.  
  
I put my hand down, but lightly, I pounded on the floor with my hand in a fist.   
  
How wrong they all were!  
  
I wasn't as boisterous as Kyo about this fact, but I was just as mad, if not more, whenever someone would say something that wasn't to my liking of Tohru. Or instead, what I meant was my high opinion of her.  
  
She wasn't ordinary.  
  
Not at all…  
  
You are amazing. And even you can't see this…  
  
I closed my eyes for a moment and thought about Akito's hurtful words when he told me that no one would have wanted to be friend's with a person who changed to a rat.  
  
They were painful words alright.  
  
But why, after all this time, hadn't someone calmed me down?  
  
I smiled as I thought of Haru who had shouted at me. He told me that was so mean for being a rat…  
  
…only to find out that I would be the one to assure him that he wasn't a fool.  
  
You shouldn't base yourself on whatever others say about you.  
  
And now, I think of Akito.  
  
Why did I believe your words?  
  
I was a fool.  
  
Simply a fool to believe you.  
  
Now, there's Tohru in our house telling me that this was wrong. Proving to me each and every single day that these words were not true all along.  
  
A tear slipped from my left eye and I touched the trail it had temporarily left on my face.   
  
After all these years, I had wanted that same assurance that the stories weren't true. I wasn't as disgusting as he had said or some people were saying about me.  
  
No, they weren't true at all, were they?  
  
But when you're a child, you believe what adults tell you, don't you?  
  
When they tell you to do something, because they're the ones in authority and supposedly your guide, wouldn't you listen to them because there was no one else to tell you otherwise? And why would you trust someone else on something that these people should have had their say in?  
  
That's what I couldn't figure out for many years.  
  
There was no one to trust.  
  
No one at all.  
  
Not even myself.  
  
And then…  
  
I rolled to one side and pulled my knees up to my chest to hug my legs. That's what I always did when I was little.  
  
I would hide under my bed or in the closet to think. This habit hadn't changed.  
  
I didn't like showing anyone my weaknesses.  
  
My tears were becoming numerous and wetting my pillow.  
  
Who was I really? Was I being nice because it was in my nature or that I wanted people to see me that way?  
  
I was sincere, I know. Being kind isn't something that is inherent, but I couldn't help thinking that every time I did something that other people wouldn't do, I would do it because I wanted to be liked?  
  
You see, I can't even trust myself with this dumb question.  
  
Some other people will have a straight answer, but me? I have to think about it.  
  
Then, there's that fan club that calls me 'Prince Yuki'…  
  
Honored as I was, I wondered about what they saw in me? Was it because of how I acted or the way I looked?  
  
Would they stop and ban the club if they knew what I really was? Would they look at me with repulsion if they knew what type of person I really was?  
  
This person with so much doubt and not the confidence they see with my silence?  
  
"Who the hell am I?" I whispered to myself.  
  
Wiping the tears with the palm of my hand, I went to the bathroom. Running the water in between my hands, I washed my face.   
  
I looked at my reflection and saw someone who had cried.  
  
Someone who had always cried when no one was looking.  
  
Then, I smiled at my own reflection.   
  
Things will be better. Think positive thoughts!  
  
I won't get through life if I can't laugh at it.  
  
But a tear had slipped down my cheek and I tried to wipe it away.   
  
I found myself washing my face again with cold water and trying to perfect my smile.  
  
"Only little by little…" I whispered to myself.  
  
Only little by little will I understand myself.   
  
It will be hard to change the way life was planned out for me, how I planned it out for myself, and they way I've thought about going through life.  
  
It will be hard to change the way I've thought all these years, but I will try my hardest.  
  
Knock, knock.  
  
As I put the towel down, I answered, "Yes?"  
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
I blinked as I opened the door to find Tohru in front of me. She didn't even ask who was there, she just asked the question I needed to hear.  
  
I smiled at her and patted her head. "Yes, I am."  
  
"Are you sure?" she whispered quietly to me while looking at my eyes full of concern.  
  
I nodded, but at that moment, a tear from my right eye slipped and betrayed me.  
  
"Yuki…" she mumbled seriously. "There is something wrong. Tell me what it is."  
  
I shook my head. "It's nothing really. Something got in my eye."  
  
She frowned at me.  
  
I made her unhappy. I hate it when you frown…  
  
Why am I lying? What am I hiding from her?  
  
That I wasn't a prince at all.   
  
That I was a person with a curse…  
  
…but I wanted to embrace her so much for changing me…  
  
…for accepting me the way I am.  
  
At that moment, I touched her cheek and she blushed at me. "I was just thinking."  
  
Silence.  
  
I wasn't good with these type of explanations. I hated having anything to do with expressing what I really felt inside because I didn't want it misinterpreted, or I was scared of being rejected for it.  
  
She just continued to look at me with concerned eyes.  
  
Kindly and compassionately and patiently.  
  
"Why did you cry?" Her eyes searched mine for an explanation.  
  
"It's too long to explain," I told her with a smile. "I will tell you someday, when I'm ready."  
  
She nodded, but as I was putting the towel back, she still stood in the doorway.  
  
"Tohru-san?"  
  
"Please forgive me for this…" she gently said to me.  
  
With a question mark, I asked confused. "For?"  
  
At that moment, her arms went around my shoulders. And for that split second, I could feel the warmness of her heart comforting my own.  
  
"How do you always know what I want to hear?" I whispered into her ear.  
  
Poof!  
  
I turned in a rat and blinked my eyes as I looked up at her. Taking me in one hand, she tossed my clothes over one of her arms.  
  
All the while, she smiled as she went upstairs and into my room.  
  
Laying my clothes on the futon and then placing me in it, I looked at her. She knelt to one side of the futon and folded her hands on her lap.  
  
"I don't know what to say to people most of the time." She blushed as she looked at me. But then, she smiled widely as she whispered, "I just do what I feel has to be done. And I try my best."  
  
She then patted my head. "Whatever's on your mind, don't think too hard about it. I'm pretty sure you've already done that."  
  
Poof!  
  
I sat up and turned my head towards her. "It's so hard trying to be person you want to be versus what others see you as."  
  
She shook her head at me. "You're the one who told me 'Be yourself'."  
  
With her palm flat on my chest, she answered sincerely, "What matters most is what your heart sees and does, right? As long as you believe in that…"  
  
I nodded as I smiled while she pulled her hand away from me.  
  
At that, she got up. "Oyasumi."  
  
"Thank you, Tohru-san." I smiled as she closed the door behind her. "Oyasumi."  
  
I then laid on the bed and turned toward the window. I smiled even wider as I closed my eyes peacefully.  
  
Yes, that's what I needed to hear the most.  
  
No matter how much someone changes, as long as you're sincere, that's all that counts, ne?  
  
As long as I work on being the person I want to be, one day, I will be the person I want to be. One that I will be proud of being.  
  
A happy tear slipped from my eye as I fell asleep…  
  
I knew one day someone would tell me that everything would be all right…  
  
That I was all right being the way I am…  
  
Owari.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I was watching Fruits Basket again and I thought of doing something for Yuki. Okay, one note is that I thought it was funny that I looked at a zodiac reading for the Monkey to find that I'm fond of the Rat and the Dragon. * lol * It's true! These are my favorite characters from Fruits Baskets!  
  
On a serious note (and going back to the fic), I wanted to do something on Yuki. I think I like him so much because there's so much that's so admirable about him, but that I can myself identify with. These were some of my own thoughts. Though I sincerely and passionately try to do things, there is that self-doubt that maybe I was doing things for the sake of being known as kind. * sighs * But something tells me that's not true, but being the way I am, there will always be that little voice telling me that and I want to believe it's wrong.  
  
Whenever I cry, I admit that I want to be hugged also, but I'm too proud to ask. Instead, I try to be positive and I smile to myself. With all my tears falling, I try to smile…  
  
But it's true. I think that a lot people just need to hear that they're all right the way they are, they'd see their life so differently… 


End file.
